The Power of Timing
God can change situations for us when we are least expecting it. I’ll start by saying that my relationship with my parents was distant for as long as I can remember. My parents grew up in a communist regime and had strict traditional Christian families. Therefore, closeness between family members was not something common to experience. As a result, my parents were very cold and impersonal, even with me and my siblings. I’ve felt like an orphan most of my life.
Once I entered into a relationship with God, I began analyzing my life. I came to an understanding that my relationship with my parents was not where it should be or where I wanted it to continue. I began to blame myself for the bad relationship. I mean I should know better than my parents. Right? I should be able to be more loving and caring with them now that I’ve met God. But I couldn’t change it. Anything I tried did not work. I couldn’t change the way I was interacting with them. I continued the distant and cold treatment I grew up with.
Honestly, I didn’t even think that I loved them. And as a Christian, I didn’t understand how I was continuing to feel this way. If I couldn’t love my own parents, I was failing at the biggest commandment Jesus has given us --to LOVE. I’ve felt miserable and guilty most of my Christian life. Every time when I was trying to get closer to God, it was this guilt in the back of my head. It was condemning me for not loving my parents and even despising any time I spent with them. This hatred was blocking me being able to go deeper with God and my desire was to live a full life with Him.
So up to the beginning of this year (2020) I felt like I couldn’t go on like this. I asked God to help just like I have done 100’s of times. I have struggled with this for more than 10 years. I’ve asked God repeatedly to do something – maybe to change them, change me, just to do something. And it seemed that nothing ever changed. But looking back, I see the path He had led me on. He had to teach me that condemnation, shame and guilt is not from Him. I needed help with the anger and I realized I was being deceived by the devil. The devil was winning and I realized it finally. And then, gently God pointed to a very deep pain in my heart made by the unaffectionate way that my parents related to me. I tried to go there but didn’t have the courage. That was about 3 years ago. It was just for a minute, but it was enough to make me back off from it and hide it all over again. It was just too much for me to handle it on my own.
So, this year, 2020, I joined European Initiative team in January that came to do a mission trip in Romania in the villages around my town. This is where I grew up and I was a translator on the trip for the many disciples from all over the world who came to show LOVE to the people around my town. At the end of the week I was sitting in the shared bedroom with Bambi Flores some other women. Bambi and I start to talk about random stuff, and I have no idea when the conversation shifted. With few evenings back I was telling God that yes, I want my heart to be healed but I just couldn’t go through it on my own. So, out of the blue, chatting about the day, I’ve found myself sharing my life experience with Bambi, telling her things that I have never told anyone before. God gave me the people I needed so I could open up my heart entirely and allow Him to do his healing work in my life. As Bambi was ministering to me, the other girls joined and they all prayed for me, encouraged me and held my hand as I was letting go of my hurt. It was hard, it was emotional, and it was sad. But after we were finished, I knew something had changed. I knew God was present and it was time.
After few days, I went home and I had more peace than I have ever had. I had never thought before that I had something to forgive my parents about. I was always blaming myself and I always tried to find explanations for my parent’s behavior. I tried to understand them, but I this didn’t allow me to own my feelings. This made me bury how I tried to understand them.
And now, being at home, I can sit down with my mom and talk normally, about normal stuff without feeling like I want to just leave. I think after this ministry time this was the first normal conversation I had with my mom in my entire life. We talked and laughed, and we bonded for the first time. And it was possible only when I gave up trying my way, and when I allowed Him to heal my heart. It took years, but God was working. He worked at the all the circumstances of my life out and healed my heart. He knew I was needing healing but was not ready to accept it. And He led me gently all these years.
God is working, be still and trust Him.
And I also think that maybe Bambi came all the way to Romania for me........
Diana Cam
