love and power
through 2018. His spirit led me on a path I honestly did not want to take. During 2017 the most unimaginable things happened in my life, the lives of my friends, and to my family. It seemed as if total destruction was winning and everything was crumbling around me. I took it all very personally and my fighter instinct came out to try and make wrongs right and walk people through freedom so they would make healthier choices and not fall apart. Well that was not working like it had in the past and I was becoming defeated and angry. I carried around a lot of pain in my heart. For myself, but mainly for the people I saw spiraling out of control. So much brokenness and so much trauma. And there was literally nothing I could do. Believe me I tried. I had an
encounter with God
that changed everything. He showed me how I had been carrying this thing and show me how I was never meant to carry it. He showed me how He had allowed me to see things, but that did not mean I was to try and fix it, mend it, “freedom” it, or anything. He spoke so clearly and softly as He said “let me have this back. I am doing something here and I do not need your help.” It corrected me, convicted me, and lifted from me the heaviest weight I have ever carried. The elephant got up off me and moved out of my zip code. I surrendered and repented so much during the next few months as God took things away from me. Not all of the things were “Bad” things some were really great things, but they were no longer mine. I opened my doors and He came in and rearranged the furniture. I was not happy or joyful at this honestly, and threw some fits along the way. Regardless, I was allowing Him to do it. I opened the door. I listened to His voice and (after some complaining I surrendered.) Shama aqui was my word for the year and it means to hear here. (See BLOG to learn more) I was learning to pause and listen to the Father right now about the right now. He became a present Father to me and literally walked with me each day. I had to have Him to get out of bed. I had to have Him to lead a ministry. I had to have Him to search for a new church home. I had to have Him to be a wife. I had to have Him to be a mom. I had to have Him to be a friend. I just had to have Him for everything, even cooking dinner. He became my source for everything because I gave up my way. I gave up. I said I’m done.
If you were close to me this looked very ugly and maybe even like I was in a very bad place. It probably looked like death and you might have been tempted to run, separate, and move on past me. That is okay. I honestly might have done the same thing. The truth is that things on the outside are often times not what they appear. Sometimes people seem totally fine and then you hear about then killing themselves or killing others. You hear it all the time, they seemed totally fine, I can’t believe they did this or that. Well the same goes in the opposite direction too. I only know this because it is where I have been and it is so true. People who seem like they are withdrawn and sad or angry and bitter may actually be becoming the freest people you will know. You may look back on some of my blogs and see the innermost feelings of pain as I dealt with things. You may be able to actually feel the hurt as I released it. The truth is the moments where it all seemed fine were my hardest days. The times where I was releasing the pain was my most freeing days. Needless to say, God was doing a work in me where He was killing off things. Death is not pretty and it does not smell good. Death appears for all purposes. like death. But when God is in charge, death becomes the most beautiful thing after 3 days. Or 3 months. Or 3 years. Whatever the season of winter is, just wait. When it looks like you have been buried and died there will be a spring. You are buried and growing actually. The seed has to be buried to grow. There will be growth and there will be a harvest. It is the natural course for ALL things when God is involved.
I spoke to one of my mentors along the way and asked her, “why?” about somethings that happened and she said, “Bambi you are changed and the old people do not know what to do or how to respond to this change.” Was that ever true. I do not look the same as before my death. I am different. I am changed. I have new places of freedom and new levels of authority. It comes from a quiet place of security that I have not figured out how to explain yet.
During 2018 I also walked through some extreme highs which have been so incredible. My daughter was married, my son began a career, my husband and I moved into a fifth wheel, I found a church home, I made new friends, and my ministry is growing. This growth is because of the death. I look back on the death days and they were some of my worst visually but best internally. They involved great sacrifice and involved me giving up everything I once treasured. I walk away feeling refreshed and complete. I was protected and I am secure. I was comforted on my worst days and lifted high on my best. My cup truly does overflow now. It is seeping out and is not containable.
Thank you, God, for teaching me to surrender.
Thank you, God, for delivering me.
Thank you, God, for teaching me.
You have been so good to me in 2018.
Psalm 23 A psalm of David
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.