Sometimes I catch myself slowly putting on that robe of rejection I used to wear. It's familiar and I looked good in it. Always complaining about how people treated me and making up stories about how I was fine and their words didn't hurt me, or how it didn't matter if they excluded me, made fun of me, or talked about me behind my back. I was okay. It didn't matter.
Rejection was born in me as a little girl with NO choice. You see I was born of 2 parents who divorced their 1st spouses to marry leaving behind many wounds to their previous spouses and their children- my siblings. I didn't do anything. But they did. They made choices and hurt people deeply. So as a result of their choices many people including family treated me differently. As a little girl I noticed when I was around extended family but didn't understand the fullness until just a few years ago. I'm sure when my mom was pregnant people said hurtful things to her about her choices and me. I'm sure she was also made fun of, talked about behind her back, and ultimately rejected. That rejection had been a part of me since I was in the womb.
Of course, I wasn't rejected by my parents. They loved me and treated me like a princess, but there was a door opened for the enemy by others who spoke curses over their marriage and ultimately me. It saddens me greatly to now understand the devouring of my innocence and childhood. All the while I didn't know. Playing into a hand of rejection all the time. "Why wasn't I picked for cheerleader?" "Why wasn't I asked to that party or sleepover?" "Why didn't my brothers like me?" Etc....
Rejection can be easily masked easily on the outside. You become strong and say things like it doesn't matter what they think or I didn't really want that things I worked so hard for anyways. But inside I was crushed and cried often alone. In high school I even wrote very elegant poems about how I would end my life.
Rejection turned into abandonment issues when I was dumped by my high school boyfriend who cheated on me. I loved without holding back and was again so deeply wounded. More abandonment came when at 19 years old my mom died of lymphoma. I knew she didn't have a choice, but I still was left alone. More abandonment when my dad remarried 6 months later and wrote me a check so I could take care of myself.
Rejection and abandonment quickly turned into an obsession of starting a new family. My own marriage and having kids still did not fill the void. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy so all the things going on inside began to show on the outside. Diagnosis of depression, insomnia, migraines, high blood pressure, etc... started happening and I began to take lots of pills to mask the destruction happening inside.
After 11 years at a job I had to take medical leave because I found myself unable to function anymore. I was in bed or on the bathroom floor daily just feeling completely helpless. I did not know what to do or how to live. I was dying and the enemy was winning. I could hear a small voice saying it was time to give up. Give up the lies of "I was fine." Admit I needed something more. Admit I was nothing alone, nothing without Him.
This is my salvation story. I knew all about God, I was raised in church and heard all the little bible stories. I was taught if I said a short prayer my life would be saved from hell a place where people burned forever. I was also taught to be a good girl and I would go to heaven where streets are made of gold and I would live with Jesus forever. I said this prayer at 6 and was baptized that same year. But my life was not changed. I was interested in Him because he could help me. I prayed over meals and thanked Him because yes I knew he made me and everything around me. I knew I owed my life to Him and without His creating hands I would not be alive.
But here I was at almost 35 years old and I began to ask Jesus to save me once again. My life was in shambles and I did not know how to make things right. I began to believe in a power source who would actively work on my behalf. I began to hear about the Holy Spirit who is present today and has wonderful gifts. I said yes to Jesus in a whole new way. A way where I knew I was laying down my life and starting over. A way that was a relationship with someone who I could ask questions and seek direction. I wanted more here on earth. I didn't want to wait till heaven for the good gifts I heard about.
After many years of building this relationship and Holy Spirit working on me I was finally ready to be exposed. He began to show me this deep seed of rejection that had been planted and how it had grown into a tree of bitterness and anger. I had the hard job of forgiving people who had hurt me- when I recalled the memories they tore me apart. I began to place my anger not on people but on principalities. Not on situations but on rulers of this dark world. My focus became more Eternity driven. I laid down so much. In this process I became a new creation. It did not happen overnight, but it did happen.
Now when I hear people are talking about me behaving my back or I don't get chosen for something I worked hard to achieve, I have to make a choice. A choice to pick up that familiar robe that is made in my size or leave it on the ground.
Recently I have been placed in situations where kindness and acceptance were not presented. My beliefs and my theology have been questioned. It would have been easy to stuff those feelings of hurt and act like I was fine. It would have been easy to run away and pretend it didn't happen. But I have been hanging in there. I have chosen to love and offer forgiveness to those around me. I have chosen Christ-like behavior instead of revenge. I have remembered the sacrifice He made for me and the rejection He felt from his closest friends and family. I continue to make the choice daily to not pick up offenses and make up stories.
He is my protector. He is my defender. He will make all thing right. I don't have to say a word. So once again I am choosing life. I have a new tree planted. And I do not want any disease to come to it. I work hard at cutting off bad limbs and fruit. I inspect the tree often and provide daily maintenance to keep it healthy, not just on the outside but also on the inside.
My new life is one I can't explain. It is not perfect, and yes I get hurt when I'm excluded or left behind. Yes I still cry and complain. But I now have a power source who helps me work through those feelings. He guides me and comforts me and challenges me with the supernatural decision to forgive. He is my best friend and I love Him more than anything this world has to offer. He is my Lord!!!
