I AM SUFFERING

Hey friends I know it has been a little while since I have written.  I have been having babies (not literally-friend’s babies) and have been sitting alone a lot.  My husband called today and asked what I was doing and I said just reading.  He said that must be nice.  Meaning I have the whole house to myself and its quiet (which he rarely gets) and I can do anything I want for the majority of every day.  It was in that moment I confessed to him, yes but I am getting lonely.  He quickly replied oh goodness I will be praying for that and was understanding of what all that meant.  

This comes after a different week than I have had in a long time.  I was able to spend some really good time with friends over the holiday weekend and it was so good for me.  I came home though Monday night and had a really ugly cry.  It has been building for months and months.  Nothing in particular caused it to explode, but it was much needed.  Out of nowhere for a good hours tears, snot, unrecognizable words, sadness, grief, anger, confusion, and heartbrokenness. Often, I mask how I am really doing for the I am fine and everything is great phrase.  It is true in its deepest meaning, but on the surface, I am struggling.  I still battle with my thoughts and believing and understanding of many things. Am I doing the right thing? Why has all this happened. What in the world is God doing? Does anyone see what is happening right in front of our eyes? 

So, coming from a really vulnerable place, I am so tender.  I know I hear God and He alone is my protector.  He gave me this word PROTECTED for the year and man has He been doing a great job, while I try and keep my hands empty.  I find myself picking up things and He reminds me again and again.  Exodus 14:13-14 says Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. ¹⁴ The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”  This is the verse I cling too when things seem impossible or difficult.

The Lord has asked me to move forward and he has closed doors this year that I really did not want closed and still lack understanding of why they were closed.  I have been sitting and listening and waiting to know my next steps and what the future will look like.  I have not received, "my orders" and here I am still sitting.  I want to be connected.  I want to be involved.  I want to lead.  I want to teach. I want to move forward NOW.  But it is not happening, at least not in the way I thought it would, should, or could.  Friends do not understand either.  Some have even been bold enough to say what they think and others just give me the confused look and I see the big question mark in their thoughts.  But that is okay because I do not answer to them, I answer to Him.  So, I sit and wait and do not know where or what tomorrow will look like.

So, I was on Facebook a bit a ago and this little thing popped up "A letter From God." and this is what mine said:

I was quickly reminded of my word PROTECTED and again I lay those things I was picking up down.  It honestly does feel like suffering and I had not clearly identified with that word until now.  I am suffering.  Then I grabbed a word I received a few years ago and again WOW GOD.  It says: (Literally word for word) 

Slow down. It doesn't all have to be done today. Give yourself the freedom to rest in His presence. He wants to renew your strength and refresh your spirit. 

Luke 12:29-32 ^“What I’m trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don’t be afraid of missing out. You’re my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.

I am PROTECTED.

I am not alone.

The Kingdom is mine.

I will REST.

I will OBEY.

It's okay to miss out.

I am SUFFERING.

Romans 5:3-5 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

James 1:2-4 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”