I AM PROTECTED

I wanted to write today about a new milestone. Grief and loss is a process whether it is a death, a divorce, a betrayal, or abuse they are all difficult and may seem impossible to get through.  I have been victim of loss and betrayal and although difficult the growing in the midst of the struggle is so important.  What I have learned is that there is no need to rush the process.  You may be days or years "past" the thing that happened and a smell or a song, or a person or a memory come rushing in and it feels like the loss just happened.  I also cannot compare the "thing" and say which is hardest.  Because in the middle of the grief they are all heavy.

Over the last year I have been struggling and learning and pressing in.  I am amazed at how God has shown up for me and delivered me from all kinds or abuse and betrayal.  I had a pastor who would always say, "if you haven't been hurt in church then you haven't been going to church long enough."  I would laugh at that seemingly true but funny joke and think of the people who had hurt me along the way.  People who gossiped about me, or people who said hurtful things about my kids, or my husband. Or the people who challenged my friendship, my honesty, my confidentiality, my play by the book ethics, or my boundaries (man do toxic people hate boundaries).

But the truth is none of those things hurt like this past year has hurt.  It is another kind of pain to see something you have invested your life, time, family, sweat and tears into ..... struggle and fall apart.  I tend to be a fixer and man has my fixing been going into high gear.  I have watched something I love dearly be so devastated that it does not look like the same thing it once was.  I have seen what drugs can do to a people and how addiction can completely destroy a totally healthy individual.  Drugs are from Satan and were created to kill, steal, and destroy.  Well there are many spirits who also are on the same mission and I have seen how people have been destroyed because of the enemy.  Watching something or someone you love fall apart is very hard.

Acknowledging I was a victim of abuse is the milestone.  I recently listened to a teaching about abusers and victims. It brought about much revelation.  Here are a few points I loved so much.

A. Most "victims " have been trained since childhood to believe it is their responsibility to carry this weight
B. People in the "victim" role are very likely to lose relationships when they take a stand.
C. Often faith communities oppose this person taking a radical stand. They are told to "submit" and "forgive" or they are seen as rebellious and dealt with as a problem or worse, ostracized...when this happens the same issue, inappropriate transfer of responsibility now comes from a larger group.

Understanding Abuse - Bob Hamp Click here to view training

I realize that as a child my parents involved me in some heavy decisions and asked a lot of me.  When my mom died when I was 19 years old I felt like the person who carried much of the weight as older siblings looked to me for guidance, called me the strong one, etc....  I have had many relationships where I stayed involved too long or got in too deep for the sake of helping that person.  If I didn't who was I would tell myself.  I was trained from a young age to be the fixer.

I don't like the word victim and honestly was mad that it was my truth.  I mean I feel like I try to stand up for victims and try to rescue them from terrible situations.  All the while many of them have abused me along the way.  It is like another lens has dropped from my eyes and I can finally see clearly.  

I was protected. I see I was a victim. I see I could not fight hard enough or expose truth long enough to stop the cycle that existed.  I am free.  I am no longer a fixer.

I mean I could go on and on about so many things that I am laying down.  This is a good day.