Who am I?

I AM  The two most powerful words, for what you put after them shapes your reality.  In Exodus 3:14 Moses asks who he should say sent him and God replies, “I AM has sent me to you.”  In John’s gospel, He identifies with 7 “I AM” statements.  I AM the bread of life, I AM the light of this world, I AM the gate for the sheep, I AM the good shepherd, I AM the resurrection and the life, I AM the way, the truth and the life, I AM the true vine.  Who is I AM?  He is the great and mighty one.  He is the beginning and the end.  So

Who am I?

Many of us relate to negative emotions and feelings easily.  One thing happens and we begin that self-talk that says we are worthless, and will never get it right.  I messed it up so badly this time I might as well never try again.  I will never this or never that.  After days and weeks of the self-talk we feel depression settling in.   Why? Because we have allowed shame, guilt, bitterness and dread to come in and cloud our minds.  It is so easy to get to the place where we choose to sit back and let life happen without us engaging in it.  But the truth is that sitting back is making a choice.  Not engaging is choosing.  You are either in or out and sitting back is being out.  Exposure to the lies is where truth comes rushing in.  I am not at all discounting the conviction that comes through the Holy Spirit.  The conviction of your sin is what sanctifies you and bring forth life and life abundantly.  Conviction is necessary to growth.  Choosing to recognize mistakes and make right wrongs is maturity.  What exactly is conviction of the Holy Spirit?  It is discipline.  It is not nagging or badgering, but it is a resting of something on your heart that you know you need to repent of and ask forgiveness for.  He will keep convicting us until we do something about it.  He will never make us feel ashamed.  That is condemnation.  Condemnation usually stews and repeats old lies and brings about doubt in you and your value. If you will read the Word of God, mediate, and ask the Holy Spirit, He will show you the truth.  He is our guide and He loves you more than you can ever think or imagine.  Ephesians 1:11-12 says I AM blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, and forgiven.  This is a scripture that I often meditate on and it brings be such comfort.  Bottom line is……

I am who I AM says I am

I AM

I am in awe at the goodness of our God.  He continue to show me great and mighty things that I did not know and honestly could not even imagine.  Building a non profit has been interesting and amazing.  On one hand it has been so easy.  I've seen the Father move in ways that are amazing and He has made this things so great.  We are welcomed every where we go, we look forward to Friday nights, but the girls, managers, house moms, and door guys also look forward to us coming.  And I know its about way more that the material gift we bring.  One dancer recently sent me a text thanking us for the gift and our time.  After a little conversation she said she did not know why but felt a "happiness and peace" when we are there and she really liked it.  Well I was so excited I told her that is because He is with us and comes with us into the club.  I wanted to jump up and down, but I was driving....... Relationships are being built and honest to goodness friendships are surfacing.  It's so so good.  On the other hand I've began to struggle with the promotion of this ministry.  The constant need for money and gifts and other things to keep this going.  I love to talk about what God is doing, but always stop short by just saying its great.  What I leave out is that it money to make it happen.  So I've been praying about a "promoter", someone who will be the person to promote Sending Flores Inc, and Velvet Hearts.  The perfect person has come along and she has been simply a life saver.  Her name is Morgan Loper and although I know she does not want (or need) recognition she absolutely deserves it.  She has not only come along side me to organize me and help me she has opened my eyes to opportunities for fundraising and spreading what I am doing to other churches and our community.  I am so excited about her help and how much she has to offer.   Shout out to Him who created this ministry and continues to manage it so well. 

As I begin to open my mind to promotion and all that brings I am so excited I have been invited to be a part of the I Am Conference on April 22, 2017.  I will have a table there and will be able to make awesome connections with women from all over Parker County.  I cannot wait to meet and chat with each person who comes my way.  I have been reminded of dreams and visions I've had and I am just in awe at how these things are bring revealed.  I look forward to speaking at events and breakfast chats, whatever doors He opens.

Thanks so much for being a part.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5x32LP4Qeo
  

Rejection Uprooted Life Planted

Sometimes I catch myself slowly putting on that robe of rejection I used to wear. It's familiar and I looked good in it. Always complaining about how people treated me and making up stories about how I was fine and their words didn't hurt me, or how it didn't matter if they excluded me, made fun of me, or talked about me behind my back. I was okay. It didn't matter. 

Rejection was born in me as a little girl with NO choice. You see I was born of 2 parents who divorced their 1st spouses to marry leaving behind many wounds to their previous spouses and their children- my siblings. I didn't do anything. But they did. They made choices and hurt people deeply. So as a result of their choices many people including family treated me differently. As a little girl I noticed when I was around extended family but didn't understand the fullness until just a few years ago.  I'm sure when my mom was pregnant people said hurtful things to her about her choices and me. I'm sure she was also made fun of, talked about behind her back, and ultimately rejected. That rejection had been a part of me since I was in the womb. 

Of course, I wasn't rejected by my parents. They loved me and treated me like a princess, but there was a door opened for the enemy by others who spoke curses over their marriage and ultimately me. It saddens me greatly to now understand the devouring of my innocence and childhood. All the while I didn't know. Playing into a hand of rejection all the time. "Why wasn't I picked for cheerleader?" "Why wasn't I asked to that party or sleepover?" "Why didn't my brothers like me?"  Etc....  

Rejection can be easily masked easily on the outside. You become strong and say things like it doesn't matter what they think or I didn't really want that things I worked so hard for anyways. But inside I was crushed and cried often alone. In high school I even wrote very elegant poems about how I would end my life. 

Rejection turned into abandonment issues when I was dumped by my high school boyfriend who cheated on me. I loved without holding back and was again so deeply wounded. More abandonment came when at 19 years old my mom died of lymphoma. I knew she didn't have a choice, but I still was left alone. More abandonment when my dad remarried 6 months later and wrote me a check so I could take care of myself. 

Rejection and abandonment quickly turned into an obsession of starting a new family. My own marriage and having kids still did not fill the void. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy so all the things going on inside began to show on the outside. Diagnosis of depression, insomnia, migraines, high blood pressure, etc... started happening and I began to take lots of pills to mask the destruction happening inside. 

After 11 years at a job I had to take medical leave because I found myself unable to function anymore. I was in bed or on the bathroom floor daily just feeling completely helpless. I did not know what to do or how to live. I was dying and the enemy was winning. I could hear a small voice saying it was time to give up. Give up the lies of "I was fine." Admit I needed something more. Admit I was nothing alone, nothing without Him.  

This is my salvation story. I knew all about God, I was raised in church and heard all the little bible stories. I was taught if I said a short prayer my life would be saved from hell a place where people burned forever. I was also taught to be a good girl and I would go to heaven where streets are made of gold and I would live with Jesus forever. I said this prayer at 6 and was baptized that same year. But my life was not changed. I was interested in Him because he could help me. I prayed over meals and thanked Him because yes I knew he made me and everything around me. I knew I owed my life to Him and without His creating hands I would not be alive. 

But here I was at almost 35 years old and I began to ask Jesus to save me once again. My life was in shambles and I did not know how to make things right. I began to believe in a power source who would actively work on my behalf. I began to hear about the Holy Spirit who is present today and has wonderful gifts. I said yes to Jesus in a whole new way. A way where I knew I was laying down my life and starting over. A way that was a relationship with someone who I could ask questions and seek direction. I wanted more here on earth. I didn't want to wait till heaven for the good gifts I heard about. 

After many years of building this relationship and Holy Spirit working on me I was finally ready to be exposed. He began to show me this deep seed of rejection that had been planted and how it had grown into a tree of bitterness and anger. I had the hard job of forgiving people who had hurt me- when I recalled the memories they tore me apart.  I began to place my anger not on people but on principalities. Not on situations but on rulers of this dark world. My focus became more Eternity driven. I laid down so much. In this process I became a new creation. It did not happen overnight, but it did happen. 

Now when I hear people are talking about me behaving my back or I don't get chosen for something I worked hard to achieve, I have to make a choice. A choice to pick up that familiar robe that is made in my size or leave it on the ground. 

Recently I have been placed in situations where kindness and acceptance were not presented. My beliefs and my theology have been questioned. It would have been easy to stuff those feelings of hurt and act like I was fine. It would have been easy to run away and pretend it didn't happen. But I have been hanging in there. I have chosen to love and offer forgiveness to those around me. I have chosen Christ-like behavior instead of revenge. I have remembered the sacrifice He made for me and the rejection He felt from his closest friends and family. I continue to make the choice daily to not pick up offenses and make up stories.

He is my protector. He is my defender. He will make all thing right. I don't have to say a word. So once again I am choosing life. I have a new tree planted. And I do not want any disease to come to it. I work hard at cutting off bad limbs and fruit. I inspect the tree often and provide daily maintenance to keep it healthy, not just on the outside but also on the inside.   

My new life is one I can't explain. It is not perfect, and yes I get hurt when I'm excluded or left behind. Yes I still cry and complain. But I now have a power source who helps me work through those feelings. He guides me and comforts me and challenges me with the supernatural decision to forgive. He is my best friend and I love Him more than anything this world has to offer. He is my Lord!!!  

https://youtu.be/bMyFzvpccIA

Check out an update on Velvet Heasrts 

It's all in a Name

I began to reflect, as I got off the phone with the club in which we will begin our outreach starting tonight-My name is Bambi.  My whole life people have either gotten it wrong and called me other names. It is like their brain would not allow Bambi to be a real name, so here comes all the responses Sandy? Brandi? Barbie? etc.....  I always say no Bambi and then have to often times spell it before they get it right.  That's another funny part where people want to add an "ie" and sometimes people who know me well do it.  Bambie?----- no its just Bambi.

Once they get it right then comes all the Disney jokes about "where is Thumper" or "were you sad when your mom was shot" etc.... All in clean fun right?  Or even the classic comment, "is that your real name?"  Yes it is my real name. No I do not believe my mom and dad had some weird love of the movie.  What I was told my whole life was that since I was the last child born I was the "last deer."  I accepted that as the truth and moved on not knowing what all would happen over the last 40+ years of questions about my name.

Then there are the people who look at me like my past had to include some sort of dancing or stripping because that is definitely a stripper name or some type of sexually oriented name.  Especially the ones who ask is it my real name.  Well the truth is -no I have not! I have never been into a strip club, well not yet.

So then today I was reading an article about how pornography is linked to the epidemic of human trafficking.  In the article (which is very good) CLICK HERE it hit me for the first time I am married to a man named John.  Well I mean I know I am married to John, but his name is John.  The men who control women who are being exploited in porn, clubs, are are being trafficked are called Johns.  Honestly I always pictured me marrying a man with an awesome, cool, different name and then I fell madly in love with a John.  It is the most common name of all names.  We call the unknowns John Doe.

So today I stand with a deeper understanding and realization of what God is doing.  Another confirmation into what he has called John and I into.  That His plan has been in play for a long, long time even though He is just making known to John and I.  We have both been drawn to rescuing people from bad situations and loving people who are less fortunate.  Every event we go to we always love, and want more information on, how we can help organizations who are involved in stopping human trafficking.  John and Bambi.  John and Bambi. God you are so good!

Today is the day Velvet Hearts outreach beings.  The "GO" Team is headed out tonight about 6 pm to at least 1 club.  We have some wonderful gifts ready for the women who are working in the club.  Our mission is to show them the unconditional love of Christ and to renew and reaffirm a hope and a future to them.  We will begin developing friendships tonight.  I could have been her. I am partnering with a girl who was her.  We are reaching out to women who are her.  His love is not conditional.  His love is not selective. He goes after the one who is lost every time.  Tonight we are going after the ones who are lost.  The ones without hope.  The ones trapped in this industry.  We are going to be LOVE!!!!

My name means innocent and John's name is Strength of God! Watch out world.  Here comes the innocent Strength of God.

Psalm 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Being Chosen

The Word is so clear about how all God's children have been chosen.  The truth is it feels so good to be chosen.  I think about one instance when I was in 3rd grade.  I tried out for cheerleader and did not make the team.  It crushed me to see some of my friends make it and I didn't.  They got to stay after school together and I didn't.  They got recognition and great uniforms and I didn't.  I focused on everything I didn't get out of this and honestly it built a wall in my heart to not try new things for fear of failure. I said things like I will never try out again for something because they won't pick me, I will never be good enough, I will always be rejected. 

In high school I was in band and was a member of the flags for marching season. I loved it and was good at making routines and encouraging others.  Often times when the end of the year rolled around and everyone was getting ready to tryout I would help others on the team with their routines.  I felt like a natural leader.  When it came time for picking captains I remember being confident I would get it.  But it didn't happen.  Once again, I was not chosen and because of that I chose to leave band, something I had participated in since 5th  grade.  It wasn't until just a few years ago that I realized I had carried around this hurt and bitterness.  When I realized it I chose to forgive people and my heart is now fully healed from those hurt places.

I am now able to walk in the confidence of John 15:16  "You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you"

Being chosen feels great, it exalts you, it promotes you, it requires more of you, it honors the work you have put into something, it reveals why things happened in your past that God is using now, and so much more.

I have been chosen and because of that I have now been asked to choose.  I get the privilege to choose who is a part of this ministry.  I get to choose a board of directors,  I get to choose who is part of the GO team. 

My dear friend Heath Jackson teaches a class of graphic design at Western Hills.  He assigned creating my logo to his class and they all did such an amazing job.  It was hard, but I chose one.  I chose Trusten's and he was so excited.  I took my picture with him and he asked if I would send it to him because he wanted to show his Dad.  It was so humbling to know that all he wanted was to be chosen and because he was he wanted to share it with his Dad.  

I also choose my right hand for this ministry.  Her name is Lyndsey Ware.  God kept putting her name into my mind and I had no idea why, but He did.  I finally met with her and she is going to be perfect to help me get this ministry where it needs to be.  We are a team and she compliments me so well.

It feels so great to be chosen, but it feels even better to get to choose others.  Thank you Father for trusting me with much and for allowing me the opportunity to hear your voice and be obedient to you.  I am asking for you to continue to speak to me about all the small to large parts of this ministry!  I give you all the glory! 

Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave a comment! :)

I am so excited to announce what God is doing in and through me.  I have always loved being able to be a part of missions whether local or international.  Whether by going or donating so others can go.

When God gave me the word solidarity in December 2015, I had no idea what he was going to do with it this year.  I had lots of guess, my first I thought was "solo"darity - meaning being alone.  John was headed off to the DPS academy to be a counselor and so I knew a lot of alone time was going to happen.  Then I looked up the meaning of the word and BIG surprise.  Solidarity means "A bond of unity between individuals, united around a common goal or against a common enemy." It also means "Willingness to give psychological and/or material support when another person is in a difficult position or needs affection."   Y'all I cannot even believe what the God of the universe has called me to do.  I get to participate in a mighty bold plan with Him and I am so humbled and honored He has asked me. 

God has called me to launch a local mission for the Fort Worth and Benbrook area.  Velvet Hearts has been birthed and is now in its infancy stage.  Velvet Hearts exists to show the unconditional love of Christ to women in the sex industry and to renew and reaffirm a hope and a future to them.

YES I am being called to reach out to dancers in strip clubs and beyond.  I am excited to begin to encourage, equip and empower these women.  God has called me to love them, meet their needs, and to be consistent.  This outreach will visit clubs on a weekly basis and our mission is simple-we will be Love to a broken world.  We will not correct wrong behavior or condemn these women for their choices, but rather love them right where they are.  The truth is we will be vessels of Jesus and His perfect love.  Only He knows what they need and how to minister, so we are going to remain open to Him and all that He wants to do in and through us.

I truly believe this is more than just a ministry to the dancers, but a ministry to each person who chooses to be a part.  You can pray, you can contribute financially, and you can be a part of the GO team.  Please consider being a part from the ground up because I know God's got some BIG things in store......

EXCITED IS PUTTING IT LIGHTLY.

More to come. Connect with my Facebook page too !!! https://www.facebook.com/velvethearts5110/