love
and power
through 2018. His spirit led me on a path I honestly did
not want to take. During 2017 the most unimaginable
things happened in my life, the lives of my friends, and to my family. It seemed as if total destruction was winning
and everything was crumbling around me.
I took it all very personally and my fighter instinct came out to
try and make wrongs right and walk people through freedom so they would make healthier
choices and not fall apart. Well that
was not working like it had in the past and I was becoming defeated and
angry. I carried around a lot of pain in my heart. For
myself, but mainly for the people I saw spiraling out of control. So much brokenness and so much trauma. And there was literally nothing I could
do. Believe me I tried. I had an
encounter
with God
that changed
everything. He showed me how I had been carrying
this thing and show me how I was never meant to carry it. He showed me how He had allowed me to see
things, but that did not mean I was to try and fix it, mend it, “freedom” it,
or anything. He spoke so clearly and softly
as He said “let me have this back. I am
doing something here and I do not need your help.” It corrected me, convicted me, and lifted
from me the heaviest weight I have ever carried. The elephant got up off me and moved out of
my zip code. I surrendered and repented
so much during the next few months as God took things away from me. Not all of the things were “Bad” things some
were really great things, but they were no longer mine. I opened my doors and He came in and
rearranged the furniture. I was not
happy or joyful at this honestly, and threw some fits along the way. Regardless, I was allowing Him to do it. I opened the door. I listened to His voice and (after some
complaining I surrendered.) Shama aqui
was my word for the year and it means to hear here. (See BLOG to learn more) I was learning to
pause and listen to the Father right now about the right now. He became a present Father to me and literally
walked with me each day. I had to have Him
to get out of bed. I had to have Him to
lead a ministry. I had to have Him to search
for a new church home. I had to have Him
to be a wife. I had to have Him to be a
mom. I had to have Him to be a
friend. I just had to have Him for
everything, even cooking dinner. He
became my source for everything because I gave up my way. I gave
up. I said I’m done.
If you were close to me this looked very ugly and maybe even like I
was in a very bad place. It probably
looked like death and you might have
been tempted to run, separate, and move on past me. That is okay.
I honestly might have done the same thing. The truth is that things on
the outside are often times not what they appear. Sometimes people seem totally fine and then
you hear about then killing themselves or killing others. You hear it all the
time, they seemed totally fine, I can’t believe they did this or that. Well the same goes in the opposite direction
too. I only know this because it is
where I have been and it is so true.
People who seem like they are withdrawn and sad or angry and bitter may
actually be becoming the freest people you will know. You may look back on some of my blogs and see
the innermost feelings of pain as I dealt with things. You may be able to actually feel the hurt as
I released it. The truth is the moments
where it all seemed fine were my hardest days.
The times where I was releasing the pain was my most freeing days. Needless to say, God was doing a work in me
where He was killing off things. Death is not pretty and it does not smell good. Death appears for all purposes. like death. But when God is in charge, death becomes the
most beautiful thing after 3 days. Or 3
months. Or 3 years. Whatever the season
of winter is, just wait. When it looks
like you have been buried and died there will be a spring. You are buried and growing actually. The seed has to be buried to grow. There will
be growth and there will be a harvest.
It is the natural course for ALL
things when God is involved.
I spoke to one of my mentors along the way and asked her, “why?”
about somethings that happened and she said, “Bambi you are changed and the old people do not know what to do or
how to respond to this change.” Was that
ever true. I do not look the same as
before my death. I am different. I am changed.
I have new places of freedom and new levels of authority. It comes from a quiet place of security that
I have not figured out how to explain yet.
During 2018 I also walked through some extreme highs which have
been so incredible. My daughter was married,
my son began a career, my husband and I moved into a fifth wheel, I found a church
home, I made new friends, and my ministry is growing. This growth is because of the death. I look back on the death days and they were
some of my worst visually but best internally.
They involved great sacrifice and involved me giving up everything I
once treasured. I walk away feeling
refreshed and complete. I was protected
and I am secure. I was comforted on my worst
days and lifted high on my best. My cup
truly does overflow now. It is seeping
out and is not containable.
Thank you,
God, for teaching me to surrender.
Thank you,
God, for delivering me.
Thank you,
God, for teaching me.
You have been
so good to me in 2018.
Psalm 23 A psalm of David
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack
nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green
pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul. He guides
me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk through the
darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your
staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in
the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love
will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the
LORD forever.
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